Juliet Brando has over 20 years of experience with comedy scriptwriting and editing. Here is a brief horror play by Juliet Brando from 2021, written for performance via Zoom, and shortlisted and awarded an honourable mention by Scriptwriters & Co.

For scriptwriting or editing, or if you need a script doctor to add jokes, and punch up your dialogue and structure, contact Juliet Brando here for a quote.

---

The Cooling

INT. BASEMENT ROOM – EVENING

All is dark.

CAROLINE’s face appears, lit only by flickering candlelight.

CAROLINE:
(whispers, gentle, eyes
closed)
Is there anybody there?

We see MICHAEL, KEZIA and TJ too now, all similarly lit.

MICHAEL:
(deadpan)
Yes. We all are.

KEZIA:
Take it seriously, Michael. She’s
not talking about us. She means –
well, you know.

CAROLINE:
(blinking, slightly
frustrated)
Is there anybody there?

There is a long silence.

MICHAEL:
(quietly)
WooOOooooOOOooooOOOooooo-

TJ:
(irritated)
Shut it, dicksplat.

MICHAEL:
(quieter, tapering
awkwardly)
-ooooooOOooooh.

KEZIA:
My mum won’t come through if you’re
titting about. Let Caroline
concentrate.

CAROLINE:
Sorry, Kezia… I’m… I’m getting
something for Michael, actually.
Whoever it is sounds a bit upset.

TJ:
Christ, even the dead are pissed
off with him.

CAROLINE:
It’s vague. I can’t tell who it is.
They say (little voice) “you left
me, you shit”.

TJ:
Well that doesn’t narrow it down.
(pause) Sorry, Caroline.

CAROLINE makes a sad, “oh, that’s okay” gesture.

MICHAEL:
(defensive)
Cal, it’s not like we were
exclusive, sooo- (pause) Anyway,
where’s Kezia’s dead mum?

KEZIA:
(hopeful)
Mum?

CAROLINE:
Michael, I’m getting a memory of
Sri Lanka. China too. Maybe India?

MICHAEL:
(dismissive)
Never been.

CAROLINE:
Could it be someone from one of
those places? (slightly bitter)
Someone you broke up with in a
particularly *heartless* way?

MICHAEL:
(proud)
I’ve only done white girls.

KEZIA:
Bit racist.

MICHAEL:
(backtracking)
Nah, it’s not, like, a preference
thing. Just- TJ, tell them, I’m not
racist am I!

TJ:
(affronted)
Why am I the one who has to say
what’s racist?

KEZIA:
And why aren’t I? I’m not white
either.

MICHAEL:
Yeah, but TJ is more- (awkward,
gesturing at TJ’s skin tone)
-exotic.

TJ:
I was born in Kingston!

MICHAEL:
(offensive accent, hand
gesture)
Irieee, man! Make a bad ting good!

TJ:
Kingston in Surrey!

CAROLINE:
(eyes closed again,
sensual voice)
Your mouth, Michael. So hot.

MICHAEL:
(pleased)
Aww, cheers Cal!

CAROLINE:
(frustrated)
No, the spirit. It’s not clear.
(pause, little voice) Hot. But cold
now. So cold.

KEZIA:
(sharp)
Colder than dumping Caroline on a
work Zoom call, Mike?

MICHAEL:
Why can’t ghosts just say what they
mean? Why does it always have to be
like a shit pub quiz?

CAROLINE:
(eyes shut)
T. Just T. Someone whose name
begins with a T?

Long silence.

MICHAEL:
TJ?

TJ:
Don’t look at me, cockend. I’m not
even dead.

MICHAEL:
I don’t know any dead people.

CAROLINE:
(eyes shut)
You left me. You forgot about me.

MICHAEL:
Look, Cal! We talked about this-

KEZIA:
(annoyed)
The ghost, Michael!

CAROLINE:
So cold now. So cold. (vicious) You
put me in the sewer!

TJ:
What the fuck, man?

KEZIA:
(shock, horror)
Michael, what have you done?

MICHAEL:
What?! No! (pause) You really think
I could-? Seriously guys, you think
I’m some sort of sociopath?

Everyone else ponders, shrugs and exchanges glances.

MICHAEL:
Guys?!

TJ:
(decisive)
No. I don’t think he could do it.

MICHAEL:
Yes! Thank you!

KEZIA:
He’s clearly a monster.

CAROLINE:
Well, not a monster, but…

KEZIA:
Remember that time at the Christmas
do when he got a blowjob off that
girl from sales admin, then left
her with the room service bill?

CAROLINE:
Well, yes, but…

KEZIA:
She didn’t even drink and he
ordered a whole bottle of
champagne, then spilt most of it
down himself.

CAROLINE:
(thoughtful)
Yes. His mind. I think it’s clear
there’s just something (gestures at
own head) *missing* up there.

KEZIA:
You’re wrong, TJ. He could
definitely have done it.

TJ:
No, I mean, he’d definitely be the
sort to kill someone without
thinking about it. Sure.

KEZIA:
Right?

MICHAEL:
(insulted)
Teej?

TJ:
I don’t think he’d be smart enough
to do it without getting caught.

All nod in agreement.

MICHAEL:
I’ve watched CSI! I could totally
do it!

TJ:
Well, clearly.

MICHAEL:
But I didn’t though!

KEZIA:
There’s a ghost here who’d beg to
differ.

CAROLINE:
(eyes shut, suddenly
surprised)
OH MY GOD!

KEZIA:
(hopeful)
What is it? What’s coming through?

There is a tense silence.

CAROLINE:
(sigh of relief)
Michael, it was a cup of tea.

All look blank and disturbed.

CAROLINE:
A cup of tea. You forgot about it.
It went cold. You poured it away.

MICHAEL:
I’m being haunted by a cup of tea?

All take a moment to consider this.

TJ:
Only Michael could anger an
inanimate object.

There is a silence of agreement.

MICHAEL:
(casual, cheerful)
Well, if Kezia’s mum isn’t going to
turn up, I’ll put the kettle on.
(pause) Anyone?

All look at each other, uneasy.

MICHAEL:
Anyone? (long pause, all goes dark)
Anyone?

END.

---

Contact Juliet Brando here for a quote.